Is my creative writing introduction any good?

I'm in the process of writing a short story and would appreciate anyone's opinions on it



A cold, crisp November night surrounded me when i walked down the pavement. I remember it well. Too well. A lazy breeze set snow wondering over my face, setting my cheeks ablaze and eyes streaming. I glanced around, pressing a tissue to my face. I was alone in the city that never sleeps, enclosed in silence so great it became deafening. The ground was scarcely lit, though judging by the deserted flats around me, no one needed light here. I quickened my pace a little.



I wouldn't be what you call pretty. Years of smoking made sure no one would use such a word in association with me, yet what glittered around my neck like the stars made my heart jump every time I heard movement in the gloom. I hastened on, tapping my way down the path with my heels. I felt like Hansel; leaving a trail of sound behind me, not breadcrumbs, much less messy. An especially cold blast of wind hit my unprotected face, causing my already dishevelled hair to fly in the updraft. Buring my hands deep in my pockets I pressed onto a much better lit street. The familiar bustle of the traffic lead me to a familiar wall, and I fumbled with numb fingers to press my key into the crystal blue door.



“Mama!” I heard two voices chorus before I had even fully opened the door. A pair of blond heads rushed me, and practically dragged me into the hall, not that I cared. My two rays of sunshine, Ethan and April. Among shouts of heightening excitement and animation I rounded up my herd and proceeded to relieve the babysitter of her duties. I must say when they were like that I didn’t blame her for escaping as soon as money was in her hand. The daily night time routine was then adopted, with little enthusiasm. Only then after being washed, brushed and tucked into bed did Ethan ask the question I feared to hear. One I wish would never be asked. As I sat down on the edge of the bed, he looked my straight in the eye, took in a shuddering breath and said:

“Is daddy ever coming back?” He wouldn’t look away from me while I sat there in shock. How could he possibly even think to ask a question like that? But when I remembered the night before. Albert was so angry, and yet so was I. How dare he come home at 2am and not tell me where he had been? Work finishes at 6pm I said. What was so important to you that stopped you from saying goodnight to your own children? Next door probably heard every second of our “discussion”. He didn’t have to leave. He didn’t pack anything; so he must come back sometime. He had no money. Nothing. I sighed and look at Ethan. He was trying to be a “big brave boy” as Albert said, but he’s only 9. Too young to understand. I glanced over at April. She was fast asleep, no doubt dreaming of unicorns, princesses and magic. Bless her. I looked back at Ethan and stuck on a false smile.



“Course he will! Now daddy wouldn’t want to miss your big football match tomorrow would we?” I smoothed down his rumpled hair, but he ducked his head away from my hand. I saw a tear fall.

“Don’t lie to me mum” he whispered, more water cascading from his eyes. I reached out to stop the flow of tears, yet he shrugged away from my arm, and lay down on his duvet. I sat there frozen in time, wondering what had happened to him, but I decided to wait until morning before confronting him about it. Walking out of their room, I switched off lights as I went, enveloping the house in darkness, leading to the living room. It was very minimalist. Classy. Albert wanted a home full of warmth and love; he didn’t care if it gets messy. Yeah, because he wouldn’t be the one tidying it all up again. Now I wish I’d let him win. Now it’s just cold, unlived in. A house, not a home. I switched on the TV, and gazed numbly at some mindless show that was on. I tried to understand what was happening between the characters but at the back of my mind, I knew this wasn’t distracting enough from the realisation that it had now been more than 48 hours since Albert had set foot in this house. I poured myself a drink, and tried to stop the trembles threatening to overspill the liquid in my hand. As I raised the glass to my lips, the familiar alcoholic smell turned metallic, and blood appeared to stain my mouth. I threw it from me, not caring what broke, I couldn’t bear see the slow dripping liquid, that glistened red on the pale wallpaper. It was then as I sat shaking like a leaf on the edge of the couch when the doorbell rang. Short and sharp. I walked to the door, frantically opening the locks and bolts. I gingerly peered around the open edge onto the street.

Two policemen stood outside.

“May we come in?” one said. But I didn’t hear him. I saw his weary eyes and what he clutched in his hand. Albert’s car keys.

“He never forgets his...” I began, but suddenly it dawned on me. Policemen wouldn’t just return some lost pair of keys. It was much more serious than that.Is my creative writing introduction any good?
---Your style of writing is *very* interesting, but you use too many adjectives. You must try to find a way to describe things with fewer adjectives. Less is more, as they say! Here, let me give you an example (I use this example for everything already):



Instead of saying, "His face was a bright cherry red," you could say, "His face was as red as a bee sting". From the words, "bee sting", you can infer that the the skin on his face is tender/raw looking. It is a connection that will help the reader get better imagery.



This principle is the "show, don't tell" principle. This may go along with describing actions, not just objects/setting. Instead of "She ran upstairs and tripped on each step" you could say, "She ran upstairs and her face kept coming eye level with each step as she tripped". Let me just say, these are not perfect examples, but at least you will not what I mean.



Anyway, I think the number of adjectives is stopping this from flowing. If you can minimize the use of adjectives and "show" more, I think this would be a smooth read and this would be a rather fantastic piece. I think the majority of your adjective problem is in your first paragraph.



---Another thing... you have 2 very large paragraphs condensed together. You want to try and break them apart so it flows better. Different scenes need different paragraphs.



---Lastly, remember to be concise. Don't add in unnecessary words - such as in "I rounded up my herd and proceeded to relieve the babysitter of her duties"



When you say "relieve" the babysitter, the reader will assume the character is relieving her from her duties. So "of her duties is unnecessary".



---I am intrigued by a lot of choices of words here. Keep up the writing. You have tremendous potential!Is my creative writing introduction any good?
If this is going to be a short story, you're going to have to think short, and cut down on all the descriptions. They don't add anything, and some of them are downright confusing. A cold crisp November night surrounded me..... no. Nights don't surround you. It was a cold, crisp November night. That's all you need.

I tried to stop the trembles threatening to overspill the liquid in my hand. Well first of all, the liquid is not in your hand, it's in a glass which is in your hand. How do you overspill something? You either overfill it, or it spills, but overspill isn't a word.



This is the sort of thing that's going to kill your story.



Your starting point should be the point where the policemen arrive. You can do backstory if you need to, but that's really where your story starts and all the rest is just throat clearing.