Please comment on, and help me with my personal statment....?

We use our eyes in almost every activity we perform, whether reading, working, watching television, writing a letter, driving a car, and in countless other ways, in my opinion the human eyes the single most fascinating part of the human body without a doubt, vision is extremely complex and requires a lot of determination to be able to understand them to depth, I have this determination.

Ever since I was studying for my GCSEs I was very interested in studying optometry, I was fascinated by the sophisticated instruments that were used, and I decided to look into the subject at depth and I came to really understand the high demands and levels of expectation that are required. I became intrigued to study optometry the more I looked into it. I think optometry is perfect for me because I have a strong science background, and I have a true passion for science, in particular biology and physics. The idea of a career that would exploit my humanity and problem-solving abilities always made optometry a natural choice. In addition I enjoy aiding those people who are in need as I participated in a first aid course provided by the local community association, I found the first aid course interesting and I gradually built on my knowledge of the human body. I take great pleasure in people and their diversity, and by combining my love of science with the interpersonal rewards gained from interacting with them, I hope to fulfill this ambition. I truly believe that optometry is the course for me because it allows me to exploit my problem solving skills obtained in my A level mathematics, and use them to diagnose the problems that are associated with vision. It has been a true aspiration of mine to one day complete a degree in optometry, and then open my own private practice to the public, and to use the skills that I will obtain from university and convert theory into practice.

During my first five years at college I achieved 5 certificates and 7 trophies, some of which are; commitment award for mathematics, certificate of merit for achievement in mathematics, academic achievement (1st place in class), and a certificate of competence in information technology. I also received a PTA award for enhancement of school spirit, this demonstrates my accomplished character and determination. I also have other interests outside of school besides my work and passion for science, reading and music are important to me, as is sport. Indoor football twice weekly helps build a sense of camaraderie between my friends and I, while tennis, and snooker add a competitive element.

These attributes along with a level-headed and unprejudiced outlook on life, I hope makes me an ideal candidate. My stamina, energy and commitment will equip me for a life of learning, but by applying my scientific knowledge and curiosity with compassion and empathy, I hope to become a valuable member of a profession to which I truly aspire.



If you have read this far, thank you i really appreciate it. Is there any mistakes or any way that you think i can improve it?Please comment on, and help me with my personal statment....?
Note - I am going to be a bit harsh on this. First of all, brush up on your grammar and run-on sentences.



I want to say that half the stuff you wrote about is unrelated to optometry. For instance, using your A mathematics to better diagnose your patients? This paper seems more like a resume than a personal statement, and i don't feel like you fully understand the profession. Yes, we do help the general public and diagnosis diseases; however, are you able to elaborate more on this? Aren't you excited about infantsee.. and joining optometric associations such as the AOSA and SVOSH? Talking about things like that allows them to know that you have done research and you know what you're getting yourself into.



Overall, your statement seems pretty ordinary, and you have to remember that the committee will read this before giving you an interview. You goal is to give them something that is more than just awards and being a humanitarian. I've given some tips below.



I would focus on the past, present, and future of what you have done and hope to done with optometry. Your past would be the things that have lead you here, and why you've decided on this great career. Present would be what you are currently doing to learn more about the career (for instance, reading up on politics, job shadowing, etc.) Future is where you can see yourself once you graduate with your OD degree (what mode of practice, what kind of community services, etc.)Please comment on, and help me with my personal statment....?
I think that overall your point is very good. The emotion and spirit is very nice. However, there are several grammar mistakes that I hope you will fix before sending it in. You have many run on sentences, improper use of commas, sentence fragments, etc. If these things are fixed then it would be a very good personal statement.



However, I don't think you should use the word "exploit" as it has negative connotations. I would use something like "utilize" or "take advantage of."